Gratitude

I write this kind of post every year or two. I write this kind of post every time I feel the need to.

I’m having a hard time right now. I am unemployed, and I had an exciting romantic relationship end before it could really begin. I feel, generally, down. Bummed. Sad, and a bit hopeless.

Mind you, I don’t think I am hopeless, but that’s really how I feel.

While I respect my struggles, I also want to take the time to respect the positive things I do have. I can’t list everything, but these are some pretty major ones.

  1. Family. I am so, so, so lucky to have the family I have. Describing them fairly would take a novel. I am grateful for them.
  2. Friends. The long distance friends I left behind physically when I moved here, and those that I have found since moving here. So many people have shown me kindness. I’m floored and grateful.
  3. My self. I’m a good person. Sometimes I have trouble believing that I’m deserving of love and success, but I really am. I’m worth the effort. I’m also cute.
  4. Portland. I have never felt more at home than here. I am so happy to have found it.
  5. My physical health. I’m working good, physically, and that’s not a given.
  6. My mental health. I have the gumption to get up and work, train, job hunt, write music, whatever. I am emotionally intelligent. I am not the perfect picture of mental health; my anxiety can be quite controlling at its worst, and I don’t *always* make it out of bed before noon. But I’m more than okay.
  7. My savings. They won’t last forever, but I have the money I need for rent and food.
  8. Unemployment insurance.
  9. My house. I rent it, but it’s my place.
  10. My privilege. I am granted many systemic advantages because of my age, gender, and race, among other things. “Grateful” is the wrong word to describe how I feel about it, but I note its large and usually positive effects on my life.
  11. My things. I have some possessions that really help me, e.g. my bike, my guitar, my computer, my bed, my clothing. I’m glad about those.

The first three are, like, paramount. For them I am not only grateful, but joyful.

Having written this, I feel better. I don’t feel not sad, but my emotions will always be complex. That won’t end. I feel better having some positive perspective.

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